mY patients are DrEaminG, but i’M brOOding

Saturday night at work, being a dork and listening to Hall and Oates on my iPhone.  My pain-in-ass patient finally starting  a REM cycle.  I wish I was at home dreaming right now, insteadI’m settling down with a cup of coffee to stay awake.   My sleep has been sporatic this week, so my mind feels like slightly chewed gelatin. 

it’s nights like these that I wonder what the fuck I’m doing here, watching other people sleep.   So much down time isn’t good for me, I’ve been finding.  I’m hoping this blog will help keep my mind occupied when my night is going smoothly. 

One of my patients tonight is a hardcore scientist/adventure type.  This guy worked on Doppler radar back in the earlier 80’s, built his own airplane and black box and took the raw MRI data from his knee surgery and made a 3-D computer model of it on his home computer.  He’s asking me questions about my job, but as I’m answering him, all I can think is how hollow my life feels right now.  What the fuck have I done in this life?  Where did my ambition go?  Did I even have any?  What will I do next?

I never really wanted to be anything when I was growing up.  I lived in my head a lot and just played.  Work was always associated with mowing our enourmous yard.  I hated it.  I was a good student, though and ate up any subject that was presented to me.  Looking back, I wasn’t really exceptional, but enthusiatic.  That began to change when we moved to Germany when I turned 12.  I started skateboarding, doing various drugs and drinking.  I don’t regret my actions at all, but I did develop a rebellious steak, which has been causing me problems ever since.   I just don’t care about the outside world as much as others.   

I like being in my head most of the time.  It’s where I grew up.  I think that’s why I’m still in Seattle: people let you stay in your head here.  When I travel it’s the opposite, but this comes from the need to survive a foreign place.  Once I get accustomed to a place, I go back to my head more often.  Travelling is my extreme sport. 

So when my diseased brain thinks of careers, they are associated with permanence, stagnation, which is repulsive to my nature. 

 

(Man, that was a breakthrough.  who needs to pay a shrink when you can blog your way to mental health.)

Blogging for the first time.

I’ve tried over the years to read other people’s blogs, but it always becomes a exercise in boredom management.   I find it difficult to care about other peoples’ interests and I wonder why people feel the need to put a chronicling of their everyday activities on the Inter Web.  (Young whippersnappers!) But then again, I always seem to forget that everyone wants to be a fucking rock, movie, or Internet star.   i know life can be lonely from time to time, but so much energy is spent in narcissistic endeavors, its a wonder people don’t starve to death.  Now that I think about it, some of them do. 

So that’s my mental excrement today.  Enjoy.

Back in the blogosphere, (and feeling kinda small)

My friend Chris and I started a personal blog site many moons ago.  We called it The Cathartics, because at the time, we wanted a place to simply spew forth onto the internet anything that came to our confused, yet questioning minds.  We were not ready then.  I think we’re ready now. 

…At least, I hope.